Funny Quotes

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Best funny quotes on pictures. Funny quotes about women, life, working, coffee, school and friendship. Funny Quotes gallery.

Do not cry because it’s over. Smile why it happened.
Dr. Seuss

The real terror is waking up one morning and discovering that your high school class is running the country.
Kurt Vonnegut

If you try to fail and succeed, what have you done?
George Carlin
Funny Quotes
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: ‘A truck!’
Emo Philips

Worrying is like paying a debt you do not owe.
Mark Twain

The mind of a woman is cleaner than that of a man: she changes it more often.
Oliver Herford

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Milton Berle

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try to sleep with a mosquito.
Dalai Lama

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and said I wanted a second opinion. He said yes, you are also ugly.
Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a child I was told that anyone could be president. I’m starting to believe it.
Clarence Darrow

Funny Quotes

Audrey Hepburn Funny Quotes

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Milton Berle

Men marry women in the hope that they will never change. Women marry men in the hope that they will change. Invariably both are disappointed.
Albert Einstein

Never leave for tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain

Here is something to think about: how come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Jay Leno

When I was a kid, my family’s menu consisted of two options: take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett

I can resist everything except temptation.
Oscar Wilde

Most people do not take the opportunity because they are dressed in overalls and it looks like a job.
Thomas A. Edison

The recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Ronald Reagan

All my life I have wanted, just once, to say something intelligent without losing my thread of thought
Robert Breault

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
James Thurber
Funny Quotes
They say that marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.
Clint Eastwood

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F. Kennedy

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Jean Rostand

Eagles can rise, but weasels are not absorbed by jet engines.
Steven Wright

We Americans are simple people. . . But piss off, and we will bomb your cities.
Robin Williams

Remember, today is the morning you worried about yesterday.
Dale Carnegie

Before judging a man, walk a mile instead. After that, who cares? … It’s a mile away and you have your shoes!
Billy Connolly

If you’re going to tell people the truth, be funny or they’ll kill you.
Billy Wilder

I wish I were more foolish to be more sure of my opinions. It seems fun.
Scott Adams
Funny Quotes
You can not be anything if you want to be everything.
Solomon Schechter

Scolding is the repetition of unpleasant truths.
Edith Summerskill, Baroness Summerskill

We are all here on earth to help others; what the hell are the others here, I do not know.
W. H. Auden

The first time I sang in the church choir; Two hundred people changed their religion.
Fred Allen

The biggest thief that this world has produced is procrastination, and he is still a fugitive.
Josh Billings

I have all the money I will need, if I die before four o’clock.
Henny Youngman

Had it been Shakespeare, he would have written Troilus and Cressida to qualify offensive sex; but being just a small dog, he started to bite them.
Robert Louis Stevenson
Funny Quotes
Good friends, good books and a clear conscience: this is the ideal life.
Mark Twain

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else can shorten it.
Cullen Hightower

A tequila, two tequilas, three tequilas, on the floor.
George Carlin

Starbucks says they will start putting religious quotes in cups. The first will say: ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!
Conan O’Brien

An alcoholic is someone you do not like and who drinks as much as you do.
Dylan Thomas

Everything in life is somewhere else, and you get there in a car.
E. B. White
Funny Quotes
Nobody realizes that some people spend tremendous energy simply to be normal.
Albert Camus

Roses are red, violets are blue, I am schizophrenic, and so am I.
Oscar Levant

It’s a recession when your neighbor loses his job; It’s a depression when you lose yours.
Harry S. Truman

I can not understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy it for a few dollars.
Fred Allen

A day without sunlight is like, you know, at night.
Steve Martin

“I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘Yes, I want’ is the longest prayer?
George Carlin
Funny Quotes
We have women in the army, but they do not put us on the front line. They do not know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is approach the women and say: “Do you see the enemy there? They say you look fat in those uniforms.
Elayne Boosler

It’s funny how most activists are pacifists.
Craig Reucassel

When I was a 14-year-old boy, my father was so ignorant that he could hardly bear to have the old man nearby. But when I was 21, I was surprised at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully while he slept. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Will Rogers

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you to their level and then they will win you with experience.
Mark Twain
Funny Quotes
As you get older, three things happen. The first is your memory, and I can not remember the other two.
Norman wisdom

I think if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade … and try to find someone whose life has given them vodka and have a party.
Ron White

When a man opens the door of a car for his wife, it is a new car or a new wife.
Prince Felipe

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Bryan White

People say that nothing is impossible, but I do not do anything every day.
A. A. Milne

I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection
Duck
Funny Quotes

Have you ever noticed that someone who drives slower than you is an idiot, and that someone who is faster than you is a maniac?
George Carlin

When we talk to God, we are praying. When God speaks to us, we are schizophrenic.
Jane Wagner

The only mystery in life is why the Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Al McGuire

We are all a little weird. And life is a bit strange. And when we meet someone whose rarity is compatible with ours, we join them and fall into a mutually satisfying rarity, and call it love, true love.
Robert Fulghum

Eagles can rise, but weasels are not absorbed by jet engines.
Steven Wright
Funny Quotes
It is better to remain silent and be considered a fool than to talk and eliminate all doubt.
Abraham Lincoln

Do you have enemies? Good. That means that you have defended something at some point in your life.
Winston Churchill

A successful man is one who earns more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

Do not worry because the world will come to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.
Charles M. Schulz

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is Fortunately, I love money.
Jackie Mason

Once a computer beat me in chess, but it was no match for me in kick boxing.
Emo Philips
Funny Quotes
If you think no one cares if you’re alive, try to lose a couple of payments on the car.
Earl Wilson

If your parents never had children, the chances are … you will not either.
Dick Cavett

A black cat that crosses your path means that the animal is going somewhere.
Groucho Marx

To err is human; admit it, superhuman
Doug Larson

Life moves pretty fast. If you do not stop to look from time to time, you could lose yourself.
John Hughes
Funny Quotes
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now calm! They are about to announce the lottery numbers.
Matt Groening

Most people work hard enough not to be fired and receive payment for enough money to not leave.
George Carlin

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld

To be sure to hit the target, shoot first and call whatever you reach the objective
Ashleigh Brilliant

Politics: Poli is a Latin word that means many and tics that means bloodsucking creatures.
Robin Williams

Originality is the beautiful art of remembering what you hear but forget where you heard it.
Laurence J. Peter

It is more important for a photographer to have very good shoes, than to have a very good camera
Sebastiao Salgado
Funny Quotes
I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. As everyone.
Margaret Mead

Today a young man in acid realized that all matter is simply condensed energy to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness that is experienced subjectively, that there is no death, life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves . Heres Tom with the weather.
Bill Hicks

The surest sign that intelligent life exists in other parts of the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
Jean Rostand

I’m so smart that sometimes I do not understand a single word of what I’m saying.
Oscar Wilde

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he is wrong.
Charles Wadsworth
Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with small teaspoons and forks, so I wonder, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older; Then I realized that they were preparing for their final exam.
George Carlin

Age is a matter of mind over matter. If you do not mind, it does not matter.
Mark Twain

Stealing ideas from a person is plagiarism; Stealing from many is to investigate.
Steven Wright

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade …
Ron White

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your problems, you would not sit for a month.
Theodore Roosevelt
Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes
Light travels faster than sound. This is the reason why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes

Waiting for the world to treat you just because you are a good person is like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian.
Dennis Wholey

A day without laughter is a wasted day.
Charlie Chaplin

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
Albert Einstein





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